Twin’s Love

By: Adeninova Atmojo

      My name is Ralph. I was born 22 minutes earlier than my brother, Ravo. One kind of face, but there were two bodies having it. Perhaps living with us would make you easier to differentiate us. In fact, I loved football, and he did too. He loved action and drama film, and honestly, I did too. What should I said again, we had tried not to be too similar to each other, but we were born almost in the same time, we had the same face, same body posture, gesture and many more so why didn’t we just stay like what we like. My family never complained about our same style, they knew that we didn’t mean to have all in the same way. I loved him, we were a good team and indivisible. We never kept secret, we shared everything. Until one day, the day that I hoped would not exist.

      Seven years ago. Ravo and I were 18 years old, for us it was a best time. I got my girlfriend and 3 months after, Ravo got his. Just liked another similarity, we were faith man. I love Dana, and I always believed the same about her. She was an independent girl and a little bit talkative. But I loved to hear her voice. She went to law school, and I took Biology. She talked more since that time, more about politics, and I loved to hear her premise or ideas, she didn’t need my comment, she just needed someone to hear it. Always, after she realized that she had talked too much, she would smile to me as if I wanted to talk she would listen. I just shook my head and smiled. There were too much happiness and laugh in her. In my second year with her, she had a car accident. That changed everything. I was almost crazy when I lost her. I postponed my research, lost my weight more than 10 kilos. I missed her voice, her smile, her laugh, mostly her love. The eyes I staring at everyday, closed forever. I was falling down and bad. I didn’t realize that Ravo lost his weight too, but less than mine. I just realized it 6 months after the accident. Naturally, we were connected to each other.

      I tried to survive, fixed my live slowly and tried to find someone to hold. But I couldn’t find anyone. Ravo gave more attention than my other family, he trusted me more and so I was. I looked better, I was sure about it. Ravo started to introduce her girlfriend to my family. She got closer to all of us, mostly to me. I was sure that Ravo had already the best. Alice, was the best for him, everybody knew it. And I also knew that Ravo asked Alice to help me. She helped me so much, at least made me looked better outside. And that day came.

      “I’ve said to her that Ralph will go for his research to some islands. That reason will cover all. You’re already fatter than before and I’m sure, she will not recognize that you’re not Ravo. Come on Ralph, help me. You know how I love her,” that day he said to me, begged on me.

      “Just tell me where will you go? Be honest, Rav! We are brother. You know, that I don’t want to do anything about girl,” I tried to stop him. He never did it before, I felt afraid. And in fact, I didn’t want to care other girl except Dana.

      “Promise to me Ralph that you will stay with her, hold her, guide her, always in her side. You know how wreck me when she left. In that time, she was also feeling crushed. I don’t want see her like that again. I’ll go home soon as possible,” he still didn’t tell me where will he go.

      “You’re sick, Rav! Alice is yours, not mine,” I answered in frustration. “She is yours. Do what you want, but without me.”

      “This time, …. I really ask your help. I can’t go easily if I know she is not safe. You’re my only brother, and I trust you most,” he stayed calm. I hated his eyes. I could see how suffer he was, and usually I would be say yes, but not for this time.

      “I can’t understand you,” I left him in his room.

      “You’ll do the promise that you haven’t agreed yet, I know you Ralph,” he shouted from the room.

      The night, I would not forget that night. He hugged me, I could feel his turmoil, drew clearly in his eyes. When I opened my eyes in the morning, he had gone. 

****

      That was 4 years ago. His “soon” was longer than I thought before. As he said and believed, I did what he asked, before agreed it. I took care for her, stayed in her side, gave my shoulder as her head pillow. In the first year, I felt very hard to do this all. But Alice was a very cheerful girl and had less attention to small things. She believed about “Ralph”, did his research in some island and let me role as Ravo. But I started to enjoy her voice, her behave. And slowly but sure, her smile made me saw a light there. Many times I said to myself that she was Ravo’s, but I couldn’t deny that she had done too much unintentionally. I loved the way she smile, and her hug, sincere hug since my last hug. I knew I should find someone for me to care soon, but there was only Alice. I was falling in love. I enjoyed my time as Ravo, but I always wondered about my future. I hated to be the second man. Mostly I couldn’t accept that Alice never realized who was the man in this 4 years. I wanted she know me as Ralph, she loved me as Ralph.

      A month ago, my professor asked me about some research in Hawaii, he hoped me to come with him. Might be it would take time about 2 years. The problem was not about my family, but Alice. I had decided. I asked her to come to the rainbow park.

      “I should confess something,” I started to the point. “These 4 years,…….  There is, there is no Ravo. There are only you, and I, Ralph.”

      “Come on Rav, this place is too beautiful to spend with your joke.,” she tried to change the topic.

      “Listen to me Al, I know this is hard but you should know, I am not Ravo, I am Ralph,” I said it again. She looked at me, tried to find some reason to proof my joke. But I was not joking, and she realized it at last.

      “This is not funny. What do you mean?,” she was starting to panic. I hated when I should breake her heart.

      “4 years ago, Ravo came to me and asked me to take care of you. He should go. Even, he didn’t tell me his destination. Don’t think that I was not tried to stop him. He is my only brother. He said he would come home soon. But all are nonsense. I’m really sorry about this. I have to say this all. Cause I also want you to know that I love you. I am, Ralph,” I explained.

      She began to sob. “Why? But why? Why do you tell me now? Why don’t you tell me since the day he had gone?”

      “He cares of you. He loves you very much and he doesn’t want you feel crashed like before. Trust me, he did this because he wants you safe,” I still tried to explain.

      “You right Ralph. I couldn’t live without him. But you’re him,” she said, still couldn’t believe.

      “For this last 4 years, yes I am Ravo,” I took a breathe. “I have to go next month. My professor needs me to help him. I don’t want to leave a sin for you. Ravo loves you. And I want you to know that I also love you. I want you choose me, not him. But that’s impossible.”

      “How dare you! You know I can’t live without you, of course I will choose you. You’re the one who always stay with me, be my friend, boy, and parents. Please, don’t leave me.

      “No…. but you don’t love me.”

      “I don’t love you? How could you say it! What’s the meaning of these 4 years? We have been together, and now you just leave me. I love you. I can’t live without you, your smile, your laugh, your voice. You gave me roof, you are my spirit. Oh, Ralph, do they enough?” her voice full of tremble.

      “Yes, you love….. you love me as Ravo. I’m sorry, but these 4 years for you are full of Ravo, not me. In your mind, I’m going to somewhere to research for something. And I don’t blame you for all of this. Thank you for all what we’ve been through together. You fixed me up, and I should say, thank you Al, you are also the best. May be you’re not for me.

      “No, Ralph. Let me know you as Ralph, I promise I’ll always love you, I’ll learn to love you. Just please, don’t leave me,” her tears came down. I swept it with my backhand.

      “I believe you can do it if you believe it. But not this time. My true love had gone, and I will not find it again. You’re not belong to me, and I’m sure, you’ll get better. Bye Al… God may bless you,” I hugged her deeply for about 5 second and I could feel how she tried to hold me. I pulled her hands softly, turned around and started to walked away. I closed my eyes, held the tears there. A little smile as consolation for myself painted in my face.

      However, she loved Ravo. She would need a lot of time to change it, if I went away, I would not bother her love for Ralph. How hard she tried to love me, she would just find Ravo in every my behavior. I was missing my love for years, and this already made me crazy. Now, I should leave someone I loved for a reason, she loved me as someone else. I was sorry Ralph, I couldn’t take care of her. I was sorry for disappointing you. Went home soon please. She needed you now.