I FEEL LOSE

I FEEL LOSE….

I feel bad, terrible. I want to hide, but I realize that I should be here, stay with them, other parts of my life. I broke a lot of people dream, and also my dream. I had dreamed too far. Further than I could reach. I knew, everybody were destroyed, the “UNTOUCHABLE” had been beaten. At least, now, we are “TOUCHABLE”. We showed that we are just human. I was, and still sad. I could give nothing else. Even, the newest supporter t-shirt hasn’t been wear, and now…. When will we wear it? It was created for DBL. 

It’s raining outside. I read a lot of tweets, and I know, they are still wondering. However, how many times everyone tried to cheer us, there is something that always stay here, deep in my heart, whispering some words: ‘what if, may be, that’s my fault, if you didn’t’. People’s words reduce a lot, but the rest is the worst. I am sorry for this year. No Quatrick, no final, no supporter award, the dancer also. I put my hands up, afraid of a lot of thing. 

I kissed the wall before the game. I fought with them. I learnt with them. I frustrated with them. And now, everyone felt like this lost was their fault, just like me. It’s too easy to find my mistake along the game. I shouldn’t say that’s I was sick a few days ago. And I shouldn’t go outside for the first. I should stay there, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how to keep them up. We, for this team, used to always win. And this is a fatal lost. In a big game, in a big support, and all of us fell down together. 

I hugged people outside. I had known they would there. And I was the first who came out. There were friends. I saw choices. When I was in the same condition, before this, I chose to stay alone. But today I chose the other one. I chose to spend this disappointed with them. It felt better. At least I had something to do, than answering a lot of question from a lot of people. I will answer it, when I am ready. I didn’t try to show that we didn’t deserve to lose, I just want everyone know, that we felt disappointed and we tried to face it and stood on it.

3 days later is my birthday. I was dreaming of standing there with happy birthday song was sang, with candles in 17 shapes. I was dreaming of the shoes that I could get if we could win again. So I shouldn’t asked money to buy the new one. I am just not sure that I will play better as before DBL. I don’t want to make my parents disappointed for something that I asked but I couldn’t responsible on it. I was dreaming about having twin final DBL uniform in my wardrobe, all white. And about the medal, 2 of them will complete my target. I should admit, this is the most beautiful birthday gift. What I should do just see it from all paradigm. Then I will get the best experience. I used to lose, but not with this team. I hoped, this defeat wasn’t because of my mind program. 

At least, the next DBL final, my team will wear the red one, even I won’t be in it. This team, with or without me will always be my team. I am proud of it. And I believe, next time if we lose, it would not this hurt like today. Since now, we learn to smile together, laugh together, sing together, cry together, and stand back together. I’m sorry for my, our fault that invited disappointed.

When all of this came, I remembered a film, Facing the Giants. IF WE WIN, WE PRAISE GOD. IF WE LOSE, WE PRAISE GOD. And I will PRAISE YOU, GOD.

THURSDAY NIGHT, 23 OF MARCH 2012, at 12.12 am, in my room

I’ve just lost, and even I still couldn’t believe it, it gave me much. Thanks for DBL….