SAMPAI HARI INI....

Sampai hari ini aku selalu memikirkannya, bahagiamu bahagiaku, senyummu semangatku. Aku yang mengadakan semua ini, rasa, bayangan, angan. Tak ada derita, tak ada tangis karena memang semua ada untuk dijalani. Kenyataanlah yang membutakanku akan realita bahwa sebetulnya hanya ada aku disini.

Aku suka cara kita ngobrol

Aku suka cara kamu manggil aku

Aku suka cara aku manggil kamu

Aku suka kejadian setiap kita ketemu

Aku suka senyum kamu….

Selintas tidak pernah ada rasa sedih dan tawa bahagia. Semua datar, sama seperti usaha yang hanya berjalan melingkar, tak berawal, entah dimana ekornya. Hanya kesadaranku yang membawaku pada pandangan bahwa kamu masih ada. Memang hanya aku, yang berdiri sendiri dan terus menatapmu melangkah di bawah langit nan biru. Akulah yang menciptakan acuan akan sebuah kenangan, jejak tanpa bukti.

Salam sapa hangat itu yang mengingatkanku

Ulah unikmu yang menghiburku

Mata di atas pipi empuk yang memukau

Suaramu yang selalu terdengar bagai nyanyian

Meski aku hanya harus menikmati semuanya dari atas kepalamu….

Tersembunyi, segala usaha kugunakan untuk menyembunyikannya. Bukan aku, tapi rasa ini. Bayangan pudarnya wajahmu yang memaksaku untuk tetap menyimpannya, bahagia dengan langkah nol yang kuambil, tanpa perlu mengorbankan percayamu, perasaanku, gilaku. Aku memang jalan di tempat, hanya berhitung satu dan dua lalu kembali ke satu. Namun dari tempat ini, aku berdiri, berjalan, berlari, tanpa pernah lepas memandangmu.

Eratnya genggaman tanganmu menahanku tetap berpijak

Gumaman sajak samar mengalihkan usahaku untuk berpaling

Terpotong jarak ribuan kaki, tenggelamkan segenap kisah tak terawali

Salih hati ini berlabuh pada barak-barak keprihatinan penuh senyum

Salahkah jika aku masih menyimpanmu? Gambaran wajahmu yang menentramkan, bersama dengan suara tak terlupakan. Tak ada kisah yang bisa kubagi, tak ada kata yang bisa menggambarkan, semua usaha yang kubangun tetap nol. Semua pertanyaan yang muncul enggan kujawab, bukan karena aku lupa padamu, atau hilang sudah jejak-jejak rasa ini padamu, namun karena waktu mengkikis kisah yang bisa kubagi. Berapa lama kita bertemu, waktu itu harus kutabung sepenuhnya, kemudian kupakai sedikit demi sedikit sebagai sikap berserahku.

Tak ada waktu yang akan menyadarkanmu

Tak ada lagu yang kan membangunkanmu

Hanya kalbu yang akan menemanimu, bukan sebagai gambar sendu

Semua proses ini hanya aku yang membuatnya, dan aku terbutakan. Kuulangi berkali-kali, sebagai sebuah pelarian akan keputusasaan. Percobaan bodoh untuk satu kasus yang sepihak. Aku tak perlu dia hadir disini, aku hanya ingin melihatnya, menyimpan lebih banyak gambar dirinya, bukan kenangan karena aku takkan pernah ada dalam daftar memorinya. Akulah yang akan menyimpannya.

Tawamu ada dalam kotakku

Senyummu kunjungan terbesar

Ulahmu simpanan termahal

Suaramu singkap hati tertulus

Semuanya akan ada dalam kotakku, terisi penuh setiap melihatmu,

Habis sedikit demi sedikit oleh waktu yang kuyakini takkan biarkan kotakku kosong

Sampai hari ini……..

Senin, 30 April 2012
my room, 22.30

I FEEL LOSE

I FEEL LOSE….

I feel bad, terrible. I want to hide, but I realize that I should be here, stay with them, other parts of my life. I broke a lot of people dream, and also my dream. I had dreamed too far. Further than I could reach. I knew, everybody were destroyed, the “UNTOUCHABLE” had been beaten. At least, now, we are “TOUCHABLE”. We showed that we are just human. I was, and still sad. I could give nothing else. Even, the newest supporter t-shirt hasn’t been wear, and now…. When will we wear it? It was created for DBL. 

It’s raining outside. I read a lot of tweets, and I know, they are still wondering. However, how many times everyone tried to cheer us, there is something that always stay here, deep in my heart, whispering some words: ‘what if, may be, that’s my fault, if you didn’t’. People’s words reduce a lot, but the rest is the worst. I am sorry for this year. No Quatrick, no final, no supporter award, the dancer also. I put my hands up, afraid of a lot of thing. 

I kissed the wall before the game. I fought with them. I learnt with them. I frustrated with them. And now, everyone felt like this lost was their fault, just like me. It’s too easy to find my mistake along the game. I shouldn’t say that’s I was sick a few days ago. And I shouldn’t go outside for the first. I should stay there, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how to keep them up. We, for this team, used to always win. And this is a fatal lost. In a big game, in a big support, and all of us fell down together. 

I hugged people outside. I had known they would there. And I was the first who came out. There were friends. I saw choices. When I was in the same condition, before this, I chose to stay alone. But today I chose the other one. I chose to spend this disappointed with them. It felt better. At least I had something to do, than answering a lot of question from a lot of people. I will answer it, when I am ready. I didn’t try to show that we didn’t deserve to lose, I just want everyone know, that we felt disappointed and we tried to face it and stood on it.

3 days later is my birthday. I was dreaming of standing there with happy birthday song was sang, with candles in 17 shapes. I was dreaming of the shoes that I could get if we could win again. So I shouldn’t asked money to buy the new one. I am just not sure that I will play better as before DBL. I don’t want to make my parents disappointed for something that I asked but I couldn’t responsible on it. I was dreaming about having twin final DBL uniform in my wardrobe, all white. And about the medal, 2 of them will complete my target. I should admit, this is the most beautiful birthday gift. What I should do just see it from all paradigm. Then I will get the best experience. I used to lose, but not with this team. I hoped, this defeat wasn’t because of my mind program. 

At least, the next DBL final, my team will wear the red one, even I won’t be in it. This team, with or without me will always be my team. I am proud of it. And I believe, next time if we lose, it would not this hurt like today. Since now, we learn to smile together, laugh together, sing together, cry together, and stand back together. I’m sorry for my, our fault that invited disappointed.

When all of this came, I remembered a film, Facing the Giants. IF WE WIN, WE PRAISE GOD. IF WE LOSE, WE PRAISE GOD. And I will PRAISE YOU, GOD.

THURSDAY NIGHT, 23 OF MARCH 2012, at 12.12 am, in my room

I’ve just lost, and even I still couldn’t believe it, it gave me much. Thanks for DBL….

Twin’s Love

By: Adeninova Atmojo

      My name is Ralph. I was born 22 minutes earlier than my brother, Ravo. One kind of face, but there were two bodies having it. Perhaps living with us would make you easier to differentiate us. In fact, I loved football, and he did too. He loved action and drama film, and honestly, I did too. What should I said again, we had tried not to be too similar to each other, but we were born almost in the same time, we had the same face, same body posture, gesture and many more so why didn’t we just stay like what we like. My family never complained about our same style, they knew that we didn’t mean to have all in the same way. I loved him, we were a good team and indivisible. We never kept secret, we shared everything. Until one day, the day that I hoped would not exist.

      Seven years ago. Ravo and I were 18 years old, for us it was a best time. I got my girlfriend and 3 months after, Ravo got his. Just liked another similarity, we were faith man. I love Dana, and I always believed the same about her. She was an independent girl and a little bit talkative. But I loved to hear her voice. She went to law school, and I took Biology. She talked more since that time, more about politics, and I loved to hear her premise or ideas, she didn’t need my comment, she just needed someone to hear it. Always, after she realized that she had talked too much, she would smile to me as if I wanted to talk she would listen. I just shook my head and smiled. There were too much happiness and laugh in her. In my second year with her, she had a car accident. That changed everything. I was almost crazy when I lost her. I postponed my research, lost my weight more than 10 kilos. I missed her voice, her smile, her laugh, mostly her love. The eyes I staring at everyday, closed forever. I was falling down and bad. I didn’t realize that Ravo lost his weight too, but less than mine. I just realized it 6 months after the accident. Naturally, we were connected to each other.

      I tried to survive, fixed my live slowly and tried to find someone to hold. But I couldn’t find anyone. Ravo gave more attention than my other family, he trusted me more and so I was. I looked better, I was sure about it. Ravo started to introduce her girlfriend to my family. She got closer to all of us, mostly to me. I was sure that Ravo had already the best. Alice, was the best for him, everybody knew it. And I also knew that Ravo asked Alice to help me. She helped me so much, at least made me looked better outside. And that day came.

      “I’ve said to her that Ralph will go for his research to some islands. That reason will cover all. You’re already fatter than before and I’m sure, she will not recognize that you’re not Ravo. Come on Ralph, help me. You know how I love her,” that day he said to me, begged on me.

      “Just tell me where will you go? Be honest, Rav! We are brother. You know, that I don’t want to do anything about girl,” I tried to stop him. He never did it before, I felt afraid. And in fact, I didn’t want to care other girl except Dana.

      “Promise to me Ralph that you will stay with her, hold her, guide her, always in her side. You know how wreck me when she left. In that time, she was also feeling crushed. I don’t want see her like that again. I’ll go home soon as possible,” he still didn’t tell me where will he go.

      “You’re sick, Rav! Alice is yours, not mine,” I answered in frustration. “She is yours. Do what you want, but without me.”

      “This time, …. I really ask your help. I can’t go easily if I know she is not safe. You’re my only brother, and I trust you most,” he stayed calm. I hated his eyes. I could see how suffer he was, and usually I would be say yes, but not for this time.

      “I can’t understand you,” I left him in his room.

      “You’ll do the promise that you haven’t agreed yet, I know you Ralph,” he shouted from the room.

      The night, I would not forget that night. He hugged me, I could feel his turmoil, drew clearly in his eyes. When I opened my eyes in the morning, he had gone. 

****

      That was 4 years ago. His “soon” was longer than I thought before. As he said and believed, I did what he asked, before agreed it. I took care for her, stayed in her side, gave my shoulder as her head pillow. In the first year, I felt very hard to do this all. But Alice was a very cheerful girl and had less attention to small things. She believed about “Ralph”, did his research in some island and let me role as Ravo. But I started to enjoy her voice, her behave. And slowly but sure, her smile made me saw a light there. Many times I said to myself that she was Ravo’s, but I couldn’t deny that she had done too much unintentionally. I loved the way she smile, and her hug, sincere hug since my last hug. I knew I should find someone for me to care soon, but there was only Alice. I was falling in love. I enjoyed my time as Ravo, but I always wondered about my future. I hated to be the second man. Mostly I couldn’t accept that Alice never realized who was the man in this 4 years. I wanted she know me as Ralph, she loved me as Ralph.

      A month ago, my professor asked me about some research in Hawaii, he hoped me to come with him. Might be it would take time about 2 years. The problem was not about my family, but Alice. I had decided. I asked her to come to the rainbow park.

      “I should confess something,” I started to the point. “These 4 years,…….  There is, there is no Ravo. There are only you, and I, Ralph.”

      “Come on Rav, this place is too beautiful to spend with your joke.,” she tried to change the topic.

      “Listen to me Al, I know this is hard but you should know, I am not Ravo, I am Ralph,” I said it again. She looked at me, tried to find some reason to proof my joke. But I was not joking, and she realized it at last.

      “This is not funny. What do you mean?,” she was starting to panic. I hated when I should breake her heart.

      “4 years ago, Ravo came to me and asked me to take care of you. He should go. Even, he didn’t tell me his destination. Don’t think that I was not tried to stop him. He is my only brother. He said he would come home soon. But all are nonsense. I’m really sorry about this. I have to say this all. Cause I also want you to know that I love you. I am, Ralph,” I explained.

      She began to sob. “Why? But why? Why do you tell me now? Why don’t you tell me since the day he had gone?”

      “He cares of you. He loves you very much and he doesn’t want you feel crashed like before. Trust me, he did this because he wants you safe,” I still tried to explain.

      “You right Ralph. I couldn’t live without him. But you’re him,” she said, still couldn’t believe.

      “For this last 4 years, yes I am Ravo,” I took a breathe. “I have to go next month. My professor needs me to help him. I don’t want to leave a sin for you. Ravo loves you. And I want you to know that I also love you. I want you choose me, not him. But that’s impossible.”

      “How dare you! You know I can’t live without you, of course I will choose you. You’re the one who always stay with me, be my friend, boy, and parents. Please, don’t leave me.

      “No…. but you don’t love me.”

      “I don’t love you? How could you say it! What’s the meaning of these 4 years? We have been together, and now you just leave me. I love you. I can’t live without you, your smile, your laugh, your voice. You gave me roof, you are my spirit. Oh, Ralph, do they enough?” her voice full of tremble.

      “Yes, you love….. you love me as Ravo. I’m sorry, but these 4 years for you are full of Ravo, not me. In your mind, I’m going to somewhere to research for something. And I don’t blame you for all of this. Thank you for all what we’ve been through together. You fixed me up, and I should say, thank you Al, you are also the best. May be you’re not for me.

      “No, Ralph. Let me know you as Ralph, I promise I’ll always love you, I’ll learn to love you. Just please, don’t leave me,” her tears came down. I swept it with my backhand.

      “I believe you can do it if you believe it. But not this time. My true love had gone, and I will not find it again. You’re not belong to me, and I’m sure, you’ll get better. Bye Al… God may bless you,” I hugged her deeply for about 5 second and I could feel how she tried to hold me. I pulled her hands softly, turned around and started to walked away. I closed my eyes, held the tears there. A little smile as consolation for myself painted in my face.

      However, she loved Ravo. She would need a lot of time to change it, if I went away, I would not bother her love for Ralph. How hard she tried to love me, she would just find Ravo in every my behavior. I was missing my love for years, and this already made me crazy. Now, I should leave someone I loved for a reason, she loved me as someone else. I was sorry Ralph, I couldn’t take care of her. I was sorry for disappointing you. Went home soon please. She needed you now.

‘Us’ is Over

I already chose, and that what would I do, I promised….

“Don’t you see? We have nothing. I tried to find something else, but you always said that all would be alright, and now what we have just love,” I said it loudly, hurt but I’ve nothing left in my head. At least, she went sadly, never looked back. Feeling good, she didn’t know it, her pain hurted me first before touched her.

Like every people knew, love is one of the best thing in life, and the worst thing that could destroy any life. The love gave me rhyme to live, and I never could say ready to welcome it or leave it. I read a lot of book to understand the meaning of love, but like just now, I got blind.

“Please, let me feel it longer… every love I met just a wind in desert, only greet me. I can pass this, I should pass this,” I mourned. The last words I repeated it silently.

*******

The next morning, some of my self felt relieved, but most felt disappointed, empty. This room, mine, was the place I always wanted, but now, I needed to go before anything change my decision. My breathe couldn’t find its air, I needed to go out now, but before I really did it, suddenly she came in and all was blank.

**

I came in, I didn’t know what I did, but I just wanted to see him. I couldn’t hide my swollen eyes, but I was losing my all tears and reason to keep crying. I just couldn’t let him go. The man in front of me, the man who always kept in touch in this last six month, and the one who said enough last night. I didn’t want to look at his eyes, but I could see how he tried to do the same. He just couldn’t hide his surprise.

“What are you looking  for?” I could see, that was the best question in his empty-minded. Dumb.

“I’m still looking for a reason,” and that’s true.

“I’ve told you. Should I repeat it?” his voice sounded stronger.

“I don’t need it,” I said. I took a breathe “Last night had passed, and I won’t asked about last night anymore. May be this is childish, but I need to know, I need to know what was your feeling, in the day before yesterday, or may be last week, or last month – before the words last night appeared in your head – about us? How much the meaning of ‘us’ in your heart, or your head if your heart too hard to answer it?” I could feel the tears in surface of my eyes.

“Those don’t mean anymore for you”.

“Show me if you don’t care about it, about us. Cause ‘us’ gave me a lot. What wrong with us that…”

“Stop it,” he snapped, desperate I thought. “I want you to know. Now, there are just you and me. There isn’t ‘us’. There won’t be any ‘us’ anymore. It is over… please let it over”.

I hope I could wake up now, I wasn’t ready to face this off. I thought I could get a better feeling to make me stop crying, but I was wrong.

“I just cannot stop thinking of you. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, these all are my fault. Let me fix it, just don’t let it over,” I begged. I hope this was enough to make this nightmare over, let me awoke.

**

I never saw her like this. Hopeless, despair, broken, smashed. I wanted to stop all of this. This wasn’t her fault. I didn’t want she tought that all these were hers. But, I’ve promised to my self, for our best.

“Please show me what should I do to mend all, I just can’t apart from you. I can’t stay with this incomplete. I’m sorry… please, forgive me,” she continued.

“Don’t you hear me? I have nothing else to talk about with you,” I tried to louder my voice, I hoped it sounded like I was shouting. “We are over, nothing to fix, you don’t need to mend anything, just ….,” I couldn’t continue it. She was kneeling. Her tears fell down.

“Arrghhhh…,” I shouted desperately. I never stood in this situation, and this was the first time she did it.

I came to her, I knelt and looked at her. She still bowed. At least my tears fell. I watched around my room, hoping could reduce the pain inside my heart. I touched her shoulders.

“Please, don’t make this hard,” I softened my voice. “We both know, you wanted this over too,” I reviewed the past story. She gazed at me. “And I think we can’t stay together anymore. All of memories won’t stop this. Just keep each of us alive without other. Keep alive without that word, ‘us’,” something appeared in my head, this was really difficult to say. “Or may be, you can… you can find someone other to complete that word,” I hoped she didn’t listen to me that time. I was crying, in my heart.

I was wrong. Never thinking, this could be so difficult. The book was wrong too, this wasn’t easy.

“You see, I’m here now. I believe in you, I believe in our love that based us. I realize, I realize how I destroyed everything. But let me fix it, I don’t know how sick being like this, just let me. I won’t even let …”

“Sssstt… ,” I interrupted her.

“I swear I’ll do anything for you, for us. Just please. You’re the only reason I’m here now. I don’t….”

“Sssst…..  Listen to me,” I could felt her fear. “Please, don’t ever  think this is not hard for me. I just can’t see anything about us. Let it over here… Look at me,” I called her from watching the floor, “You’ll be the best one I ever had, trust me..”

I pulled her to stand, she reflectly hugged me, tight. I couldn’t just stay. I hugged her too, might be for the last time, I didn’t want to over this. This girl, in my embrace, I won’t let her disappear from my heart even from my head. All of this tears would be pricefull in the future. Just keep shining like a sun at noon, and like a star at night. I closed my eyes and felt it deeply, for the last time.

Garry

Hari 1

Hari ini aku ke mall, dan seperti biasa, penuh dengan para pelancong, tapi aku tak peduli setidaknya aku mendapat refreshing. Refreshing yang sangat menyenangkan karena terpaksa kuhabiskan mencari Handphoneku yang tertukar dengan seorang cowok. Menurutku dan aku bersikeras, dia yang menabrakku. Aku menemukannya tentu saja, kedua-duanya, handphone dan penabrak yang membawa handphoneku. Mungkin sebetulnya aku terlalu berlebihan, karena dia juga mencariku, bagaimana tidak aku juga membawa handphonenya. Aku sedang berjalan kemudian, ehm, lalu lelaki itu menabrakku, tanganku yang sedang asyik dengan handphone, singkatnya, langsung terjatuh. Aku sempat berteriak kecil, tak seperti dia yang langsung memungut handphonenya lalu memandangku dengan pandangan menusuk dan segera berlalu. Ketika kami bertemu kembali tentu saja dia langsung mengulurkan handphoneku, dan begitu sebaliknya.

Hari 5

Sepulang aku sekolah dia sudah ada di kamarku. Ya mau bagaimana lagi, sepertinya dia seorang lelaki yang butuh teman dan aku seorang cewek yang sedang butuh sosok kakak. Aku selalu mengumpat kalau dia sudah mengeluhkan tentang sekolah regulerku. Dia kan homeschooling, bisa kapan saja dia pergi, belum lagi kesimpulanku mengenai pribadinya yang agak emosional dan pemberontak. Bagus kalau dia memang ada disini setelah waktu belajarnya usai, tapi kalau gurunya ditinggal begitu saja ya bukan salahku. Dia mengeluh sebentar tentang sekolahku dan kemudian keperluan utamanya pun keluar. Dia mulai menceritakan sejak semalam dia pulang dari rumahku dan sampai tadi sebelum ia berangkat ke sini, bertengkar lagi ia rupanya dengan ibunya. Aku hanya bisa garuk-garuk kepala, tak bisa berkata apa-apa lagi. Dia hanya butuh pendengar.

Hari 7

Hari ini aku menemukan blognya, aku tak pernah tahu kalau ia memotretku. “my younger sister/brother” tulisnya dibawah foto itu. “brother?” umpatku. Dasar payah, itu kan bisa dilihat semua orang. Ya memang aku kayak gini. Waktu aku tanya tentang itu dia cuma ketawa, dan pas aku mau potret dia malah dia lempar aku dengan bantal lalu pergi sembunyi di balik selimutku. Hancur sudah kamarku dengan adanya dia. Sisa hari itu kuhabiskan untuk memotretnya sembunyi-sembunyi, tapi bagaimanapun dia lebih berpengalaman, semua gagal, dan hasilnya kembali lagi ke kamarku yang hancur sia-sia.

Hari 10

Aku baru sadar kalau seharian itu aku terus mengoceh dan dia diam, diam mendengarkan dengan perhatian. Ternyata dia juga bisa mendengarkan. Kalau teringat hal itu aku lagi-lagi hanya bisa menggaruk-garuk kepalaku. Mungkin hari esok aku akan mencoba lebih tenang. Kakakku itu sekarang sepertinya sudah jauh lebih baik daripada saat pertama kali bertemu. Dia mengajakku jalan-jalan ke mal, dan seperti aku, dia juga suka duduk dan hanya menikmati suasana, jadi tak masalah ketika aku mengajaknya untuk duduk dan hanya merenung. Aku menceritakan padanya betapa aku suka melihat bintang-bintang di langit, karena itu semua yang membuatku tenang. Dan dia malah bertanya dengan wajah tak tertahan “Jadi aku ga bisa buat kamu tenang?” wajahnya benar-benar ingin dipukul. Wajah yang amat sangat memancing rasa gatal di tanganku. Kubaca novel yang kubawa, aku tak peduli dengan apa yang dilakukannya, kalau dia mulai berbicara aku menutup bukuku dan mendengarkannya.

Hari 12

Dia bilang dia berkenalan dengan seorang cewek, karena salah kirim sms. Itu agak tidak mungkin untukku, lalu aku mulai berpikir apakah dia tukang mabuk, tapi tampaknya tidak, matanya selalu cerah dan tubuhnya tak pernah kurus, selama aku mengenalnya. Dia bilang dia sedang memakai handphonenya yang untuk mengirim sms ke pacarnya, aku tau dia punya tapi dia tak pernah membicarakannya dan aku tak mau ikut campur. Dia bilang kalau smsnya berisi kata-kata pedas yang sedang mengusahakan putus, tapi karena katanya (aku tak tau apakah itu hanya alasannya atau apa) semua nomor kontaknya hilang sehingga dia harus menyalin dari buku telepon sakunya, dan setelah dicek dari pesan terkirim ia menemukan nomornya salah satu digit dengan yang seharusnya, langsung saja ia meminta maaf, karena yang pertama kata-kata itu menurutnya agak jahat sehingga harus diluruskan, yang kedua dia tipe orang yang sopan dan tak suka menyakiti orang lain, meskipun dia cuek. Dia bilang sih orangnya asyik, meski belum pernah ketemu. Aku mendengarkan sambil membongkar isi handphonenya dan mengganti isi simnya dengan milikku, ia merusakkan handphoneku kemaren. Rentetan pesan masuk mengantri untuk dibuka. Lega rasanya ia memiliki pegangan hidup akhirnya.

Hari 20

Aku begitu lelah hari ini. Dia memang pendengar yang baik dan tahu bagaimana cara merubah suasana hati orang. Kalau sedang positif, semuanya bisa terhibur dan sebaliknya. Seingatku dia cerita lagi tentang pertengkaran di rumahnya, dan sepertinya sesuai dengan dugaanku, dia sedang dalam masa-masa pemulihan dari penyakit emosionalnya. Mungkin ada karena belakangan ini dia punya banyak teman baru. Aku sudah merasa cukup punya seseorang yang mau mendengarkanku berbicara terutama lagi seseorang yang mau bercerita padaku. Aku tak pernah bingung atau pun takut kalau ia gonta ganti pacar yang penting dia kakakku, kalau aku nasehatin dia mau, itu pertanda bagus, tapi kalau tak mau bukan hakku juga untuk mengatur.

Hari 30

Sore tadi dia telpon, heran juga telpon tapi kemudian aku sadar kalau handphoneku lagi rusak, kedengarannya dia lagi kalut, suaranya aneh dan ya begitulah pokoknya. Makanya malam ini sekalian aku pulang les, aku mampir di rumahnya. Sepi. Aku masuk ke kamarnya, dia pernah cerita kamarnya ada di lantai satu, karena Cuma itu kamar yang aku lihat di lantai satu aku masuk tentunya dengan seizing si mbok. Dia sering cerita ke simbok ternyata. Handphonenya di atas kasur, tergeletak begitu saja. Saat kucek ada beberapa sms yang belum terjawab, mungkin dari teman salah kirim pesannya. Kukirimkan sebuah pesan ke nomor yang tak kutahu tersebut, orangnya juga sih. Beberapa saat kemudian keluar balasan dari nomor tersebut. Dia juga nggak tahu. Kemudian tiba-tiba sebuah suara motor berhenti diluar, aku merasa kenal dengan suaranya. Tentu saja itu dia. Kebut-kebutan, ya Cuma itu sih kebiasaannya tapi tetep aja kalo lagi emosi lebih rawan kecelakaan pastinya. Dasar aneh.

Hari 31

Dia sudah agak tenang dan mulai bercerita tentang kemaren. Tiket pesawat, Seattle, Amerika, sekolah. Oke menurutku itu cukup untuk mewakili semua ucapannya. Wow…. Aku tak mampu berkata-kata lagi. Bingung, sedih, kehilangan, tak kubiarkan tampak di permukaan wajahku. Dasar aneh, diriku sekarang. Kejutan pertama, bagiku. Dia bilang padaku kalau ternyata teman salah kirim sms nya itu adalah kakak kelasku, dengan kata lain…. Yaaa begitulah. Aku tak mau berpikir lagi. Kebetulan aku sedang tak ingin cerita jadi tak masalah kalau aku diam dan sepertinya dia mengerti. Dia juga tak ingin pergi tapi senekat apapun tetap saja yang harus berkorban adalah dirinya.

Hari 39

Kosong. Otakku kosong. Apa yang harus kuberikan untuk seseorang yang amat berharga pada saat dia pergi supaya bisa ingat padaku? Arrgghh …. Tapi siapa suruh juga baru ngasi tahu hari ini kalau berangkatnya besok. Dasar payah plus aneh. Jadi sebetulnya itu aku harus bagaimana? Kalau aku beri sesuatu tapi dia malah nggak pulang ke sini lagi kan malah aku yang susah, tapi kalau nggak dikasi kenang-kenangan bisa-bisa dia lupa sama aku. Dan dia malah sudah beri tahu aku apa yang dia tinggalkan untukku. Handphonenya. Tentu saja seharusnya begitu, dia yang menghancurkan handphoneku harus bertanggung jawab, bisa-bisanya dia bilang itu kenang-kenangan, plus nomornya lagi. Sekarang aku bingung. Tidurku pasti nyenyak karena capek mikir sepanjang malam, dan besok pagi pas aku pulang sekolah dia sudah pergi.

Hari 40

Aku yang memang sudah dasarnya tidak bisa tenang di dalam kelas semakin menjadi lagi. Waktu aku sampai rumah aku Cuma menemukan sekotak handphone terkutuk miliknya plus nomornya dan sebuah surat. Dia itu bahkan tidak punya email, alamat pasti saja masih buta. Bisa gila aku. Kubongkar kotak tempat handphonenya. Tertulis sesuatu di tutup kotak bagian dalam, Garry. Sedikit narsis juga rupanya atau dia hanya ingin membuatku selalu teringat. Aku benci menjadi sendirian lagi. Bergulat dengan pulpen dan kertas atau MicrosoftWord di laptop saja aku masih tak mampu menggambarkan detailnya, dan kini aku harus kembali pada tradisi itu. Kugenggam tanganku, berharap masih ada lengannya disana, namun hanya sekumpulan angin yang berlarian takut terperangkap. I hope I’ll see you again.

In memoriam of Garry

Me

Adeninova Atmojo

Selasa 7 February 2012

In my room at 22.07 WIB